A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
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I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
LOL
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks