Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
You Might Also Like
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Passwords are more important than ever.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.