An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
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the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Ovenable?
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
A roof is a house hat.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard