Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
You Might Also Like
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
I feel it
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild