They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
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Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
me linking you to my twitter
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.