“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
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I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
The days of good grammer has went
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.