Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
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Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER: