(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
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I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!