@ramblinma: I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn't cost anything.
@ramblinma: Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto---
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
@ramblinma: *stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
@ramblinma: Husband: "How do the kids keep getting sick?"
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] "No idea."
@ramblinma: *cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
@ramblinma: I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy "that Santa brought" and now I'm stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
@ramblinma: Husband [through locked door]: "I know you're up, I saw your instagram post."