Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ramblinma's best tweets

@ramblinma : Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto--- Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

@ramblinma: *stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

@ramblinma: Husband: "How do the kids keep getting sick?"

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] "No idea."

@ramblinma: *cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

@ramblinma: I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy "that Santa brought" and now I'm stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

@ramblinma: Husband [through locked door]: "I know you're up, I saw your instagram post."

@ramblinma: My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

@ramblinma: Parents don't have "favorites." We dislike all of our children equally.

@ramblinma: Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven't experienced any yet, but statistically they're bound to happen at some point.

@ramblinma: All these people training for marathons and I'm over here, on my couch, trying to lasso the remote with my phone charger.