Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ramblinma's best tweets

@ramblinma : Before kids: I'll never let my kids eat that garbage. After kids: "Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that's just the marshmallows?"

@ramblinma: Me: "Do that thing I like."

Husband: *orders pizza*

@ramblinma: No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

@ramblinma: I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn't cost anything.

@ramblinma: Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto---

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

@ramblinma: *stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

@ramblinma: Husband: "How do the kids keep getting sick?"

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] "No idea."

@ramblinma: *cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

@ramblinma: I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy "that Santa brought" and now I'm stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

@ramblinma: Husband [through locked door]: "I know you're up, I saw your instagram post."