Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
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*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Had an epiphany today.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Good boy 😂😂
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it