Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
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poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Very good news from my accountant
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!