Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
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an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business