The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
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Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
this is uni
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight