A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
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anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
They got a point!
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
This could be us… but you playing
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.