I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
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I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.