It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
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Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin