i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
You Might Also Like
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.