Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
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Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.