You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
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Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.