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If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.