It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
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If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Kids: Stay in school.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Has there ever been a more American story?
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”