Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
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16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.