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“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Trains are just sideway elevators.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”