Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
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6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?