Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
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I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what