Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
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Sex so good you see dead people.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
#catsoftwitter
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”