Funny Tweeter

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Page of roxiqt's best tweets

@roxiqt : A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I'm engaged now.

@roxiqt: [God making spaghetti]

ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.

@roxiqt: ME: I want a normal night of sleep

MY BRAIN: Right... So, today, you're gonna sleep from 1 pm 'til 4 pm & again from 9 pm 'til 2 am. Tomorrow, you're scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you'll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.

@roxiqt: ME: I wish I could fix this problem


ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way...

@roxiqt: FRIEND: So... being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It's not a food.

@roxiqt: DATE: It's hard to find a girl that likes goth guys

ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it's weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys

@roxiqt: ALIEN: Take me to your leader

ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I'm not the leader

@roxiqt: I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

@roxiqt: DATE: I want someone that's mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

@roxiqt: DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change

ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won't fight other people for less than minimum wage