Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of roxiqt's best tweets

@roxiqt : If you're single on Valentine's Day, it's not because you're undesirable or unattractive. It's because you didn't take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.

@roxiqt: DATE: My ex was spineless & I don't think I could date anyone like that again

ME, AN OCTOPUS: what

@roxiqt: [God making coconuts]

ANGEL: Hair on the outside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: Milk on the inside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no

@roxiqt: I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because... I just thought that I had to.

@roxiqt: I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

@roxiqt: If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you're probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

@roxiqt: The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I've never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don't have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

@roxiqt: I'm tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.

@roxiqt: Tinder but it matches people that don't know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

@roxiqt: All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.