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Page of roxiqt's best tweets

@roxiqt : [God making raccoons]

GOD: I want a goth red panda

ANGEL: so like... a regular panda

GOD: no, make it small

ANGEL: okay

GOD: [taking bong rip] ... and good at shoplifting

@roxiqt: Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

@roxiqt: Due to personal reasons, I've decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

@roxiqt: ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you'd need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he'd spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah

@roxiqt: DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m'lady

@roxiqt: ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory

ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She's back

@roxiqt: In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

@roxiqt: If your friends won't go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

@roxiqt: ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should've figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-

@roxiqt: Here is a little money saving tip that I've learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.