casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
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*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.