I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
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My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me: