HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
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It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.