Body by cheese-puffs.
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{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
This is sending me to another galaxy
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.