Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
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My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”