I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
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Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
his wife is probably gonna see that
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
i will not be silenced
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.