[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
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absolutely not
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
This is amazing.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?