I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
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I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
I’d love this…lol