“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
You Might Also Like
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Investing in beetcoin
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times