my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
You Might Also Like
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.