Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
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“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Perfect.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Every. Damn. Time.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown