I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
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Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah