Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
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“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
you will never know the true number of layers
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB