Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
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If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.