When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
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Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
That’s not how days work.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”