If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
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Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.