If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
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not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO