@shadygeekdad: Guys, when a woman is mad just tell her she's overreacting. She'll realize you're right and calm right down.
@shadygeekdad: I want to be a host at a restaurant so if someone asks for a booth I can yell, "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE BOOTH!"
@shadygeekdad: DM: This person is writing offensive posts about you.
ME: Oh cool, you follow my wife! Tell her I said hi!
@shadygeekdad: Living well isn't the best revenge. A crowbar to the head is the best revenge.
@shadygeekdad: When I know I've posted a great tweet, I walk away from my phone in slow motion like I'm Jason Statham walking from an explosion.