Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
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If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
one of
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”