Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of shkeeber's best tweets

@shkeeber : Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle Co-worker: It's my daughter Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don't they?

@shkeeber: Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

@shkeeber: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I'm driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*

@shkeeber: "No, you hang up"
No, you hang up.
"No, you hang up"
No, you hang up.
"No you hang up"

*slams phone*

Why do I keep calling that parrot?!

@shkeeber: I'm not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat's hair grows back.

@shkeeber: Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.

@shkeeber: Things safer than flying Malaysia Airlines:

-Badger juggling
-Heroin enemas
-Grenade soup
-Live cobra condoms
-Roman candle tampons
-Ebola

@shkeeber: Him: I'm tolerant of the gay lifestyle. A neighbor of mine was gay.

Me: Thanks. I'm tolerant of yours too. A neighbor of mine was an idiot.

@shkeeber: You get an ark!
You get an ark!
You get an ark!
You get an ark!
You get an ark!
You get an ark!

-Noahpra

@shkeeber: *cape flaps in the wind*

Me: Are you ready to defend freedom for another day, Captain K?

Mom: Quit blocking the fan and put the cat down.