My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
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Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Woke up with morning Yule Log
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.