I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
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Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
OMG 🤣🤣
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
R.I.P.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage