The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
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My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
this is what they would have looked like, though
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona