hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
You Might Also Like
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out